Givin' Up Slowly

The past year of my life has been a real test of my faith in God. A painful test, but one I force myself to be grateful for.

Over and over it seems as if what I want and what God knows is best don't line up at all. It has happened more times than I care to remember, usually over things that are incredibly important to me. And man, it has been so stinkin' hard. I'm learning every day and am grateful for how I have changed, matured, and grown, but giving one's will to God when it's something you righteously desire can be a real trial.

If there's anything I've learned in the past year from these repeated experiences, it's that choosing to follow God really is a CHOICE. And sometimes it's not an easy one. I have my agency; I could choose to do all these things that I want (good things, but not the best things He has planned), but by choosing to blindly follow Him, I believe I will be blessed. I believe I will experience greater happiness than if I chose to make those other decisions.

I feel kind of like a spoiled little kid who wants to cry because they aren't getting what they want when they want it....How silly is that?! I never thought I was all that spoiled, but sometimes my reaction to God's trials of my patience and faith makes me wonder. . . ;)

Anyways, tonight I went to Institute with a very heavy heart because of a certain trial I'm facing right now. And, let me tell you, God is so good. So, so good. And He answers prayers, even the silent sobs of our hearts.

Tonight we read in 2 Nephi 4, the Psalm of Nephi. I read:

27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy? 

 28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.  30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.
 34 O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm. 

 35 Yea, I know that God will give ^aliberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask ^cnot amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.

And as  I read that, my heart sang once again. Hope filled my soul, like a fresh breath of air after being under water for too long. And all at once, the Lord answered my prayer and filled me with the peace that only He can bring. Slowly, He teaches me what it means to really trust in Him and not my own desires. Slowly, slowly, slowly, He teaches me to really trust.