Called To Serve Him

So, I've decided to serve a mission!

I am so excited. 

When President Monson announced that girls could now serve at age 19, I was flooded with emotion. I've never in my life felt so ecstatic and overwhelmed as I did at that moment. I can't describe it. Shock. Mixed with pure joy and gratitude. Amazement. 

 I have never felt so alive as I did at that moment. Not even before my first race, or when I first qualified for the State cross country meet. Not when I broke the school record for the mile, or PR'd after months of chasing down my 3200 meter time. Not even when I drove away in some unknown car to come to Provo last summer. Not even when I was running with the BYU cross country team, or when I found out that I would be a TA for Anatomy. All of those moments were times of very intense emotion for me, and this simple moment in front of a computer screen, listening to the quiet voice of a Prophet of God trumps everything I have ever experienced.  I will never be able to put the emotions that I felt into words, because they were beyond any intensity that I can even comprehend, and I experienced them myself.

At the very moment that President Monson announced the age change, I knew, without a doubt in my mind, that I would be serving a mission. And soon. Very, very soon. I knew that this announcement was an answer to every single prayer that I had uttered in the past year. I was running and yelling and celebrating, because the emotions were just soo intense. I think I almost hit my head on the ceiling! It was overwhelming, and for the rest of the day I could not sit still. I could not concentrate or focus on anything. Sleeping is still difficult, because I feel just a strong sense of urgency that I need to go now. This very moment. As soon as humanly possible.

The feelings are still so strong, and have been emotionally and physically draining. The initial shock has not warn off completely, but my situation is slowly becoming reality. It has not been an easy past few days, because as soon as I began to realize that this is real life and it is really, truly happening, anxiety has crept in. This is a big decision, and one that I don't take lightly. We're talking about people's salvation, here! I know in my very core that I will be on a mission very soon, and that it is God's will for me. I know it. But despite that knowledge, I feel much internal turmoil, and despite continual prayer and studying, that turmoil cannot be erased. It's been stressful, and suddenly my life has been flipped upside down. Don't get me wrong, I am soooo excited to serve the Lord and my God every day for the next 18 months. I am so happy, and so grateful. But ever since that moment that I knew I was to go, I have also been bombarded by hundreds of reasons why I should not go. It's an interesting feeling, and I feel like my insides are being torn in two. Despite these negative feelings, however, I know in my very core what path I am to pursue, and that simple knowledge deep inside is keeping me going every single day. Saturday feels like an eternity ago, and yet I will still press on. I think my conflicting feelings come because I feel so inadequate. But, I also know that the Lord has been preparing me for this very day. I made a list in my journal of all the ways that I have seen the Lord shaping me into the person that I need to become so that I can serve Him and teach effectively. The list goes on and on, and looking back, I don't know how I didn't see this coming! The Lord truly knows all things from the beginning to the end, and if we exercise faith in him every day, He can and will work miracles in our lives. 

My dad sent me two scriptures that I feel explain things very well:

1 Nephi 7:12

"Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all ^athings according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise ^bfaith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him."

1 Nephi 9:6

"But the Lord ^aknoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all ^bpower unto the fulfilling of all his words. And thus it is. Amen."

The Lord is in control of our lives! He is watching over us every moment, and loves us more that we can comprehend. I know that. I know it because I feel His love in my life even when I make mistakes or when life is difficult. I know that because of the infinite Atonement, He can understand our pain and make all things right. 

A quote that I read today reminds me that I must not fear, but I must instead press forward in complete faith, actively pursuing my goal of serving a mission:

"Your goals are noble, but you decide by the choices you make each day whether they will be realized or not. A knowledge of truth is of little value unless lived in full measure. If you think it is too hard, that you are imperfect and will not be able to do it, you are slipping into Satan’s world. Garner strength by remembering that you can do anything the Lord asks you to do. When needed, he will see that you get the required help as you do all you are capable of doing. " 
- Elder Richard G. Scott, "Finding Happiness"

The Lord loves us, and He wants to help us if we will but let Him. 

I love Him. I want to be like Him. But only through Him can I one day become like Him.