back again.
well, i'm back! in many senses of the word.
i'm writing again, so that must mean something.
i came home 4 months early from my mission.
there. i said it.
i hate saying that.
it's a pride issue, really.
i hate, hate, hate saying that.
but sometimes you have to be honest with yourself.
my mission was so hard.
hard beyond all understanding.
i tried so hard to love it. to enjoy it. to be joyful. to prove i really loved the lord.
but i hated so many parts of it.
i didn't even hate that people didn't care to listen most days.
i hated being with companions that emotionally abused me.
i hated manipulative leaders, who meant well but had no idea the pain they caused.
i hated that i felt like i couldn't do the right thing in certain situations, because of "rules".
i hated waking up with horrible, heart-racing anxiety every day for 7+ months.
i hate how it made me feel completely out of control.
i hated that no one seemed to care, to understand.
i hated that everyone told me to have greater faith; faith will make you whole.
ya know what--sometimes it won't, actually. sometimes you have to have the faith to endure without understanding, without help, without a way out.
i hated that i had no way out, even though i knew the solution that would take it all away.
i hated laying on the floor, rocking myself just to deal with it all, because i had no way out.
i hated that by the end, i just felt numb. apathetic. empty. hollow.
exhausted from everything.
ok, enough pessimism. but i had to write it out.
honesty.
it was the hottest of all the refiners fires i ever care to pass through.
so hot that i'm still dealing with some of the burns and scars, but they're healing.
but i loved so many parts of it, too.
i loved what it taught me.
it truly changed me at my core.
it changed the course of my life, in so many ways.
i love how much it humbled me.
i loved seeing others fall in love with the Lord.
i loved seeing Him change their hearts, as they came to know Him, as they learned to trust Him.
to really, truly trust him.
even when they found themselves in situations where there was no way out.
i loved feeling the spirit just fill rooms, bringing tears and hope to all present.
i loved listening to people, hearing their stories and sharing their burdens the best i could.
i loved being welcomed so graciously into random strangers' homes--both members and non-members alike, treating us like royalty.
i love the amazing friendships i formed--some of my favorite people i have ever met live in that weird little part of the world that is South Texas.
i loved racing bikes with the neighborhood kids.
i loved their beautiful smiles, and how happy they were to see us.
i loved meeting so many new, incredible people every day. even the total nut-jobs.
i loved running after the elote man. i even loved his awful recording that blasted by as we tried to share Jesus' love on people's doorsteps.
i loved the blazing heat, the suffocating humidity, and even 5 am morning basketball.
i honestly love south texas--the culture, the people, the weirdness of it all. i love it.
i still can't listen to mission music; it brings back a lot of mixed feelings.
but things are getting better.
when i first came home, there was a lot of bitterness in my heart. buried bitterness, but still there.
as time went on, that buried bitterness began unburying itself.
little by little, that anger became more and more apparent in my daily life.
how i felt each day, towards others and myself.
there still is some, but it's getting better.
that bitterness is being replaced with charity, and compassion. with a little more love each day.
but some things do truly take time. time.
i'm trying to be more honest with myself.
i don't like to dwell on the darkest moments, but i am grateful for them.
as painful as my mission was, i could not trade it for the world. not that i wouldn't, but i literally can not. the rest of my life depends on my experiences--lessons learned and people met--as a missionary.
my father gave me a blessing before i left, which basically said, "the purpose of your mission is to prepare you for your future as a professional, in which you will change the lives of millions."
well, that definitely sounds crazy.
but i think i am beginning to understand.
i'm currently pursuing a career in medicine (physician's assistant).
i didn't realize before my mission how many people are emotionally and mentally sick in our world today. and now that i've experienced it first hand, i understand people so much better now.
people could be so much happier, with better relationships, and greater depth and meaning in their lives. but the root of the problem needs to first be solved--thinking processes and mental health.
so, i'm grateful. my mission nearly killed me, but it's also likely the thing that will also save my life.
i'm excited to see what happens, and where life leads.
i'm writing again, so that must mean something.
i came home 4 months early from my mission.
there. i said it.
i hate saying that.
it's a pride issue, really.
i hate, hate, hate saying that.
but sometimes you have to be honest with yourself.
my mission was so hard.
hard beyond all understanding.
i tried so hard to love it. to enjoy it. to be joyful. to prove i really loved the lord.
but i hated so many parts of it.
i didn't even hate that people didn't care to listen most days.
i hated being with companions that emotionally abused me.
i hated manipulative leaders, who meant well but had no idea the pain they caused.
i hated that i felt like i couldn't do the right thing in certain situations, because of "rules".
i hated waking up with horrible, heart-racing anxiety every day for 7+ months.
i hate how it made me feel completely out of control.
i hated that no one seemed to care, to understand.
i hated that everyone told me to have greater faith; faith will make you whole.
ya know what--sometimes it won't, actually. sometimes you have to have the faith to endure without understanding, without help, without a way out.
i hated that i had no way out, even though i knew the solution that would take it all away.
i hated laying on the floor, rocking myself just to deal with it all, because i had no way out.
i hated that by the end, i just felt numb. apathetic. empty. hollow.
exhausted from everything.
ok, enough pessimism. but i had to write it out.
honesty.
it was the hottest of all the refiners fires i ever care to pass through.
so hot that i'm still dealing with some of the burns and scars, but they're healing.
but i loved so many parts of it, too.
i loved what it taught me.
it truly changed me at my core.
it changed the course of my life, in so many ways.
i love how much it humbled me.
i loved seeing others fall in love with the Lord.
i loved seeing Him change their hearts, as they came to know Him, as they learned to trust Him.
to really, truly trust him.
even when they found themselves in situations where there was no way out.
i loved feeling the spirit just fill rooms, bringing tears and hope to all present.
i loved listening to people, hearing their stories and sharing their burdens the best i could.
i loved being welcomed so graciously into random strangers' homes--both members and non-members alike, treating us like royalty.
i love the amazing friendships i formed--some of my favorite people i have ever met live in that weird little part of the world that is South Texas.
i loved racing bikes with the neighborhood kids.
i loved their beautiful smiles, and how happy they were to see us.
i loved meeting so many new, incredible people every day. even the total nut-jobs.
i loved running after the elote man. i even loved his awful recording that blasted by as we tried to share Jesus' love on people's doorsteps.
i loved the blazing heat, the suffocating humidity, and even 5 am morning basketball.
i honestly love south texas--the culture, the people, the weirdness of it all. i love it.
i still can't listen to mission music; it brings back a lot of mixed feelings.
but things are getting better.
when i first came home, there was a lot of bitterness in my heart. buried bitterness, but still there.
as time went on, that buried bitterness began unburying itself.
little by little, that anger became more and more apparent in my daily life.
how i felt each day, towards others and myself.
there still is some, but it's getting better.
that bitterness is being replaced with charity, and compassion. with a little more love each day.
but some things do truly take time. time.
i'm trying to be more honest with myself.
i don't like to dwell on the darkest moments, but i am grateful for them.
as painful as my mission was, i could not trade it for the world. not that i wouldn't, but i literally can not. the rest of my life depends on my experiences--lessons learned and people met--as a missionary.
my father gave me a blessing before i left, which basically said, "the purpose of your mission is to prepare you for your future as a professional, in which you will change the lives of millions."
well, that definitely sounds crazy.
but i think i am beginning to understand.
i'm currently pursuing a career in medicine (physician's assistant).
i didn't realize before my mission how many people are emotionally and mentally sick in our world today. and now that i've experienced it first hand, i understand people so much better now.
people could be so much happier, with better relationships, and greater depth and meaning in their lives. but the root of the problem needs to first be solved--thinking processes and mental health.
so, i'm grateful. my mission nearly killed me, but it's also likely the thing that will also save my life.
i'm excited to see what happens, and where life leads.
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