LOVE is a four letter verb
"People don't fall in love. Find someone with whom you can create the love that you desire."
- Sister Bednar
My freshman year of college, my roommate and I would sometimes leave terribly cheesy love notes around our shared room. My love language is "words of affirmation", so you can imagine I found this incredibly endearing. Freshman year was a rough time in my life as I desperately tried to find my footing as a grown, independent adult in this big, sometimes scary, world. I think we all struggled a bit at this point in our lives...but who knows, maybe I was the only passenger hardcore riding the struggle bus that year. ;)
Since then, I've thought a lot about what it means to love another person. How do you know if you love someone? How do you know, man?!?!
After a lot of contemplation, prayer, and conversation, I've come to the conclusion that love is simply a choice you make. And enduring love is simply a choice you make every single day. It's a choice to put another above yourself, every single day. It's that simple.
It's not only a feeling, although feelings can definitely come as a result of love.
It's not only a desire, although desires can definitely come as a result of love.
It's a choice, and an action. And it grows exponentially as we act upon it, and grow together through vulnerability. That action is different for every person, I think. It's something that takes a lot of vulnerability and time. Time.
I also think that so often people confuse feelings of infatuation, obsession, and lust with feelings of "falling in love". People get obsessed with finding this all-consuming feeling that they overlook incredible people who would consistently and genuinely show them true love by their words and actions. We're sometimes looking for some imaginary perfect person who "fits" to come sweep us off our feet rather than choosing to cherish a worthy person we've found and could create lasting love with.
I've been guilty of this, so maybe that's why I feel so passionately about it. Maybe I totally missed the mark and I'm the only one guilty. Who knows.
But I love what one of my best friends told me. She said, "Falling in love with someone indicates that there's a possibility of falling out of love with that same someone. Loving someone is making a choice. That depends on the individual who's choosing to love. But when you make the choice, it says that you're not going to just choose not to love your partner another day. We can fall in love with people all the time; the active, cognitive choice is what makes the difference. It wasn't until I began to pray for a Christlike love that I've ever felt a more pure love. No one is good at it, just pray for love and if you're ready to make the choice to love and serve it'll be okay." Obviously both people have to make the choice or it can't work. But, you get my drift. I think that love is always a choice, and you either choose to love someone or you don't. Sometimes you can't choose, because of a situation in life or past heartache or trial, etc. But to me, you either choose it or you don't. One day those feelings of deep infatuation are going to subside, but the marriage will remain. I pray that I've chosen someone who will fight for our love; someone who will work hard for a relationship that means so much more than cheap love and empty commitment. I hope I can find someone who understands that long-term relationships are founded on two people choosing love day-in and day-out, not overwhelming feelings; lasting marriages are founded on intentional choice, not feelings.
I hope we can all choose to love and cherish the people in our lives rather than waiting around for some "feeling of falling" to drive our actions. To me, choosing to love someone is so much more beautiful and romantic than saying you couldn't control it anyways. When you choose to create love--despite flaws, mistakes, and misunderstandings--it feels so much better anyways.
- Sister Bednar
My freshman year of college, my roommate and I would sometimes leave terribly cheesy love notes around our shared room. My love language is "words of affirmation", so you can imagine I found this incredibly endearing. Freshman year was a rough time in my life as I desperately tried to find my footing as a grown, independent adult in this big, sometimes scary, world. I think we all struggled a bit at this point in our lives...but who knows, maybe I was the only passenger hardcore riding the struggle bus that year. ;)
Since then, I've thought a lot about what it means to love another person. How do you know if you love someone? How do you know, man?!?!
After a lot of contemplation, prayer, and conversation, I've come to the conclusion that love is simply a choice you make. And enduring love is simply a choice you make every single day. It's a choice to put another above yourself, every single day. It's that simple.
It's not only a feeling, although feelings can definitely come as a result of love.
It's not only a desire, although desires can definitely come as a result of love.
It's a choice, and an action. And it grows exponentially as we act upon it, and grow together through vulnerability. That action is different for every person, I think. It's something that takes a lot of vulnerability and time. Time.
I also think that so often people confuse feelings of infatuation, obsession, and lust with feelings of "falling in love". People get obsessed with finding this all-consuming feeling that they overlook incredible people who would consistently and genuinely show them true love by their words and actions. We're sometimes looking for some imaginary perfect person who "fits" to come sweep us off our feet rather than choosing to cherish a worthy person we've found and could create lasting love with.
I've been guilty of this, so maybe that's why I feel so passionately about it. Maybe I totally missed the mark and I'm the only one guilty. Who knows.
But I love what one of my best friends told me. She said, "Falling in love with someone indicates that there's a possibility of falling out of love with that same someone. Loving someone is making a choice. That depends on the individual who's choosing to love. But when you make the choice, it says that you're not going to just choose not to love your partner another day. We can fall in love with people all the time; the active, cognitive choice is what makes the difference. It wasn't until I began to pray for a Christlike love that I've ever felt a more pure love. No one is good at it, just pray for love and if you're ready to make the choice to love and serve it'll be okay." Obviously both people have to make the choice or it can't work. But, you get my drift. I think that love is always a choice, and you either choose to love someone or you don't. Sometimes you can't choose, because of a situation in life or past heartache or trial, etc. But to me, you either choose it or you don't. One day those feelings of deep infatuation are going to subside, but the marriage will remain. I pray that I've chosen someone who will fight for our love; someone who will work hard for a relationship that means so much more than cheap love and empty commitment. I hope I can find someone who understands that long-term relationships are founded on two people choosing love day-in and day-out, not overwhelming feelings; lasting marriages are founded on intentional choice, not feelings.
"Enduring love is not something we just stumble upon or fall into. . . we have to earn it and work at it every. single. day."
I hope we can all choose to love and cherish the people in our lives rather than waiting around for some "feeling of falling" to drive our actions. To me, choosing to love someone is so much more beautiful and romantic than saying you couldn't control it anyways. When you choose to create love--despite flaws, mistakes, and misunderstandings--it feels so much better anyways.
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