A Lesson 3 years in the making: Why I'm serving now, and not then.

I've thought for a long time how to write this blog post. Loooong, loong time.

I guess I'll just start out by saying how grateful I am that God pushes us to do things that we might not choose for ourselves. My life would not be what it is, or what it has been, had he not pushed me to do just that time and time again.

I think back three years ago last month. I remember very distinctly, partially because I wrote it down, but also because it was a pivotal moment in my life. After months of what seemed like an uphill climb, I had knelt down in my small room, and uttered one of the most fervent prayers of my life. I begged God to lead me along, because life seemed almost too much to bear. I promised I would devote myself to Him--to fulfilling His will for my life--all the days of my life. It was my greatest desire, and the only thing I knew would give me the peace I so desperately yearned for at this point in my life. Little did I know what would come only a few short weeks later during the Saturday session of the October 2012 General Conference.

The memories from that day are still vivid. Almost three years to the date, I remember sitting on my couch at Park Plaza, staring at my laptop screen. When President Monson announced that girls could serve LDS missions at age 19, the emotions were like electricity coursing through my veins. I felt like I could have jumped out of my skin (how's that visual for ya). I wrote on that day, "I knew, without a doubt in my mind, that I would be serving a mission. And soon. Very, very soon. I knew that this announcement was an answer to every single prayer that I had uttered in the past year." Only weeks prior I knelt down, earnestly promising God that I would dedicate all the days of my life to Him, serving His people, and fulfilling His desires for my life. I still remember those pleading words, and the urgency with which I prayed.  I wanted, greater than anything ever, to serve God--not just as a missionary for 18 months, but as a disciple of Christ all the days of my life. So, on January 25, 2013 I received a call to serve in McAllen, Texas. I would be leaving on March 13, less than a month after my 20th birthday.

Nineteen year old Emily...so excited to serve.

The months waiting for my call were difficult. There was some miscommunication on the health history part of my papers, so I had to wait several months before they were cleared to be submitted. On the day I found out (December 31st, 2012) that they had finally been submitted, I was grateful. But simultaneously, I felt uneasy. I had waited in great anticipation for months, all the while pouring my soul out in earnest prayer for God's will to be done, and my heavy burdens to be made light. It was a time of both peace and uncertainty. Regardless, I wanted to serve a mission more than I had wanted anything in my entire life. So, I waited, in great anticipation, for that white envelope to arrive.

After a few weeks of eagerly checking the mailbox multiple times per day, it finally came. I screamed in exhilaration when I finally saw it. However, soon after, those very uneasy feelings returned. Actually, on the walk from the mailbox back to my apartment, I just couldn't shake the feeling that something was terribly wrong.

No one wants to feel awful right before they open their mission call. So I knelt down and prayed, call in hands. I wrote in my journal. I studied the scriptures. I watched a beautiful movie on missionary work and the Atonement. Nothing helped, and that lingering feeling of unease remained. I opened my call, only to be left feeling very upset and alone. Not only did I feel a total void of peace regarding the situation, but I had been 1) called to the one place I said I wouldn't go (which I wholeheartedly laugh about now ;) and 2) I had been called to leave months before my availability date! You can imagine the confusion I felt after opening my call, only to feel absolutely horrible when I had looked forward to this moment for all the months prior. The best way I have come to describe it is as a total lack of peace.

For the next three days, I walked around in a cloud of depression. I was physically sick and nauseous, but I couldn't comprehend the idea that maybe a mission wasn't the right thing after all... the thought darted across my mind periodically, until it became all-consuming. I tried to write a letter of acceptance to the first presidency, but it felt feigned.

People had told me I'd feel opposition before serving a mission, but this was greater than anything I could have imagined. People looked at me like I was crazy when I even mentioned not going. I was so confused, stuck, and felt horribly alone most of the time. But without understanding initially, I was also learning a very important, valuable lesson. A lesson that I cherish to this day.

One bishop told me I should suck it up and go, while the other said he thought I should stay. He never felt peace about me going, even from day one. Some people joked about it light-heartedly, without realizing how difficult it was for me. It was at this point in my life when I decided I should stop putting so much emphasis on the opinions of other people. Who really cares what someone else thinks if you know what is best and right for YOU?

After weeks of indecision and uncertainty, I finally wrote my letter of decline. It was difficult, but also easier than kicking down the figurative brick-wall that was leaving amidst such confusion. Sometimes you have to have the faith to say no.

Soon thereafter, peace began to fill my life again.

Peace, Be still. And know that I am God.

Fast forward nearly three years--the best three years of my life. Seriously, the absolute BEST. I grew beyond belief. I made incredible friendships, and achieved new goals I would have never imaged for myself, but were beyond amazing. I got into triathlons, a goal I had desired for years prior, but never had the courage to pursue. I worked on some awesome research, and discovered a new life-path for myself. I dated some sweet boys, met some incredible people, and discovered several new sides of myself. I worked in a nursing home that absolutely changed my life and how I view and treat others. I learned about a few new weaknesses, and tried to make them into strengths. Life was-- despite the certain hardships and trials we must all face--blissful.

In February of this year, the thought of a mission entered my mind again. I felt much peace about it, so I decided to ask God yet again. Upon fasting and praying about a mission, I got the answer no. I moved on with my life, and was certain that ship had sailed. A mission, I supposed, was just not for me.

By the end of April, I had just gotten out of a relationship that I wanted to work, but also knew needed to end. I received a blessing from my bishop who told me that this door had to close for another to open. At this time, I had absolutely no plan of serving a mission, but felt that the new path I needed to go down was one of personal preparation for something much greater and meaningful.

Throughout these past summer months, I was struggling with some serious anxiety and depression. As a result, I was praying more earnestly than at any other time in my life, and having feelings that I would need to soon say goodbye to Provo and the people I love here. This was so weird, because I wasn't going to graduate and leave until the following August, nearly a year and a half away.

While praying one day, I felt the prompting to begin studying Preach My Gospel (the book that full-time missionaries study and teach from). I thought it was a little weird because I didn't feel like a mission was the right thing, and for goodness sakes, only a few months prior I had received the answer to not serve a mission. Regardless, I thought studying Preach my Gospel would be a great way to better study and understand the gospel of Jesus Christ. Every member a missionary, right? ;)

The days passed and, while sitting on my bedroom floor one day studying out of Preach my Gospel, I had the strongest, most distinct feeling, "You should be willing to serve a mission in the future, even if the timing doesn't seem ideal in your eyes."

I definitely didn't feel like I should serve. How interesting though, I thought. Sure, I'd be willing if it were right. (That's what we all say when it's only hypothetical, ha ha haaa).

Let's rewind a little bit: in May, I had received a text from my father at the most random of times that said, "Trust in the feelings the Lord plants in your heart. Go and do as he prompts even if you don't understand those promptings." At the time, I didn't have anything weighing heavily on my mind, but I thanked him for the important reminder. He is always so in tune with my life.

The very next day, however, I had an impression hit me like a ton of bricks. It was INSANE. I knew I had something to do, and it could not be put off. I messaged my father words of great appreciation for his perfect reminder the day prior, to which he responded the following verses:

1 Nephi 7:12
Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him.

1 Nephi 9:6
But the Lord knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all power unto the fulfilling of all his words. And thus it is. Amen.

I responded with 1 Nephi 3:7, and agreed with a resounding YES. 
And it came to pass that I, Emily, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.

About a month or two after these events, I was working in a mouse lab on campus. I was helping a master's student tag mice ears for her fascinating research on antibiotics and the gut microbiome. Feeling dizzy, I took a break to go eat lunch in the CougarEat on BYU Campus. I sat down with my lunch, burdened by the anxiety and depression I had been fighting for the months prior.

I desired the peace of the spirit SO much. I prayed so earnestly, crying for some guidance and peace, really anything that would take away the heaviness that burdened my heart and made it impossible to feel joy.

As I listened to my favorite talk--the one that never fails to lighten the load and bring peace into my life--I did begin to feel better in that ugly little CougarEat. The video came to an end, and I saw an ad for another video: the one with David Archuleta singing Glorious for the Meet the Mormons movie. I hadn't heard the song in a while, and decided to quickly watch it before returning to the lab. As I watched, my mind wandered. I thought of how much David sacrificed to serve a mission: his whole career, his fame, his family, his education... he gave up it all. Simply to serve God. Would I ever be willing to do the same?

And in that moment, burdened by fatigue both emotional and physical, I knew. I finally received my answer. Peace flooded my entire body in a way I hadn't felt for over a year. Peace overtook every other feeling; it overwhelmed all fatigue and depression and anxiety. All heaviness evaporated. Peace enveloped my soul. It was time to serve a mission. The time was now.

I immediately called my father to tell him. He went silent on the other end, and I wasn't sure why. I listened intently for any sound....and then I heard it. Muffled sobs. I joined him.

He explained that he had texted me about obeying the prompting of the spirit months prior because he knew I needed to serve a mission. He had felt it long before I did, and didn't want me to put off something so important. I remembered 1 Nephi 3:7, the scripture I had texted him in response. I will go and do what the Lord has commanded. A very humbling moment indeed.

Despite my initial willingness, the reality of this decision soon overwhelmed me. What about school? I was supposed to graduate in less than a year. I still had the second half of organic chemistry, biochem, nutritional biochem, and too many labs...  What about work, a job, money? What about triathlons, and the fitness I'd worked so hard to obtain? What will happen to the girl's team? I just bought a flipping bike. What about PA school? I was going to apply the following summer. What about shadowing? Clinical hours? The lab? Who the heck will take over in the lab? Girls on the run? What about dating? Who wants to date a 25 year old girl at BYU (so stupid, I realize)? And the ultimate kicker...all my friends will have graduated and be gone in 18 months. I'll come back to BYU...completely alone.

All these worries and more FLOODED my life. I teetered back and forth between going, and staying. For weeks, if you'd asked me if I was going to serve a mission, my answer would have varied with the day. My answer was as varied as were the foods I ate for lunch each day. Some days I'd be certain I was going, followed by several days of uncertainty, ending in a day I was certain I'd stay. Too much roller coaster for me. Truly, the timing did NOT seem ideal in my eyes. But isn't that what He had warned me, only a few short weeks earlier? Be willing to serve a mission in the future, even if the timing doesn't seem ideal.

During this time, I learned an incredible amount. An overwhelming amount. I feel so grateful that the Lord taught me SO MUCH during this pivotal period in my decision making.

I learned, as it teaches in Mosiah 24, what it means to cheerfully submit to the will of the Lord. Despite the incredible persecutions and burdens the people of Alma were forced to bear, they STILL remained faithful to the will of God. The did not only obey His will when it seemed completely unfair, but they did it cheerfully. I think we can all learn an important, humbling lesson from these incredibly faithful people. I certainly did. (you can read an incredible talk about this very topic right here, by elder maxwell in 1980).

I learned so much about the Savior, His apostles, and the people He taught. I gained so much love and respect for them, and the sacrifices God asked them to make. At times I felt like Peter, who started to sink when he focused on the troubled waters (fears) rather than solely on Christ. Only when I focused solely on Christ and His power did my fears subside and could peace reign in my life.

 I think of the story of the rich young man in Mark 10:17-30, who was asked by Christ to sell EVERYTHING he valued in order to serve God. I can't help but think that Christ was asking Him to abandon not just his physical possessions, but also his career, his personal goals, etc... Would our faith waiver as his did if Christ asked the same of us? I know mine did initially, but I am so grateful for a God who pushes us to do what is best and right time and time again. He does this because He loves us deeply, beyond our understanding.

 I also think of Christ and His apostles. In Matthew 4:18-22, Christ asked them to abandon their nets—and I assure you that this was not a simple thing. The nets represent their livelihood, their investments, their commitments. The reward was not entirely promising. BUT THEY DID IT. They left it all to earnestly and devotedly follow Christ.

 In 1 Nephi, Lehi was asked by God to blindly leave Jerusalem and all his worldly possessions. This was a great sacrifice for his family--not only to leave their things, but also their home and friends and opportunities and careers. But I feel like I can understand, if only a little, how they felt. I am so grateful that God has asked me to leave now, when it feels very much like a sacrifice, so that I can learn what it feels like to temporarily give up nearly all I value in total devotion to Him and the covenants I have made. To me, sacrifice is how God tests our willingness to truly keep our covenants and FOLLOW HIM WHOLEHEARTEDLY.

As I learned these things, I realized that there is much more to God's timing that I had originally understood.  I gained a deep gratitude that God was asking me to serve a mission now--when it seemed very much like a sacrifice--rather than would it have been so much easier three years ago. I am grateful He could teach me this important lesson about sacrifice, consecration, and choosing to pursue His will for my life, rather than my own. Words can never express how grateful I am to learn these things now. After I humbled myself, talked with my gung-ho bishop, and started my papers, I never looked back. Of course, there were moments of serious doubt and frustration, but here I am today. He never left my side.

After five weeks of hesitation, three weeks of paper work, and three more weeks of waiting, I received my call to serve as full-time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I received it on the Tuesday night after Labor day, and opened it on a beautiful Wednesday morning atop Squaw Peak, surrounded by some of the greatest friends I could ask for.

We biked to the top of a mountain to open my call, a dream I had had for a long time. Thanks friends for biking up with me:) You guys are the BEST, and I really mean it.

I was again called to the Texas McAllen mission, only three years later. As I opened my mission call this time around, peace enveloped my soul. There was only peace.

So maybe this isn't "soon, really soon" like I had originally thought. Or maybe, in the whole scheme of eternity, 3 years really is "soon". Maybe 3 years is only the blink of an eye to an all-knowing, all-loving God. Maybe the things we worry about most--the things that cause the greatest stress because we desire them the most--take the most time because they're really the most important. Maybe we need to slow down, stop stressing, and instead give our lives over to the Master artist, so He can sculpt our short lives into something more beautiful and meaningful than we could ever create by ourselves. I love this quote so much:

"I have struggled to banish the mortal desire to have things my way, eventually realizing that my way is oh so lacking, limited, and inferior to the way of Jesus Christ. . . His way is the path that leads to happiness in this life and eternal life in the world to come. . . Can we love Jesus Christ and His way more than we love ourselves and our own agenda?" - Sister Marriott

I too have struggled to change my way of thinking from what I want, to trusting that God has a beautiful, personal plan in store for those who follow Him. But, over the years, I have learned that the greatest happiness can be achieved by fully submitting ourselves and our lives to Him. Only then can we experience the greatest joy and peace available in this life.

I also love Matthew 6 so much. It says,

25 Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?

 26 Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?

 27 Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?

 28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:

 29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

 30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?


Be humble enough to ask, but also faithful enough to act. This life is glorious, and will only get better as we choose His path and His will over that of our own.

If there is anything I have learned, it's that life really never goes as planned. Or at least mine hasn't, for goodness sakes. And, in the words of Al Fox, "Not once have things gone the way I had in mind, which can be really difficult at times- you have those fleeting thoughts of if God truly cares about you, or if He actually listens to your prayers and knows you- but how grateful I am that they did not go the way I had in mind. Because they have been profoundly better."

And it is so true.  We are not meant to live comfortable lives. As disciples of Christ, we are meant to live for something much greater. I hope we can all courageously choose the greater path that He has lovingly laid out for us personally, individually, and uniquely. This life is an incredible one, and I know that for those who follow Christ wholeheartedly, the best is truly yet to be.