To run or not to run...that was the question
Answers to our prayers come in marvelous ways. Mysterious ways. Ways in which I am so grateful for.... Ways that blow my mind and leave me gasping for breath in amazement.
I've really been questioning whether or not running in college is going to be the thing for me. It's not that I don't love it, I have just felt so overwhelmed these past few weeks that I wasn't sure if I should do it. I wasn't sure if it was something God intended for me, something that would fill my life with happiness rather than devoid it of all meaning. Running can do that to you, if you lose perspective. It can drive you into the ground and leave you gasping for a way out, frantically searching for a door that leads away from calamity and to a place of peace. I have felt this all-consuming feeling of utter abandonment many a time, and I was left searching my heart for an answer. I was left in a panic, in a state of total confusion and utter heartbreak. I had myself convinced, while I dodged dad's and their screaming children in the pool today, trying to nurse my aching foot back to running health, that I would give up, that I would move on, that I would try something new and leave team training and competetive racing in the bag. I was convinced, 100% sure and relieved that after this week, I would be done. I was tired of feeling so hopeless, of feeling utterly exhausted and totally spent. I was tired of feeling slow, of coming in last and feeling as if my legs were made of stone. I was tired of feelings less than worthy, of feeling like no one wanted me around, of feeling alone admist a bustling world of joyful individuals. I couldn't take it, and despite countless conversations with loved ones encouraging me to never give up, I was ready to leave it all behind for better times and happy feelings. I wanted a way out, a place to be free from the stress and hopelessness that was controlling my life. I was convinced, and no one was going to change my mind. Not a soul.
So, if this couldn't get any more confusing...I will end with a thought that sums up my entire day...a thought that I randomly and accidentally was reminded of today. A thought that gives me hope, that gives me reassurance, a thought that helps me keep an eternal perspective when times get to hard to stand.
"You have not failed until you quit trying."
love, emily
I've really been questioning whether or not running in college is going to be the thing for me. It's not that I don't love it, I have just felt so overwhelmed these past few weeks that I wasn't sure if I should do it. I wasn't sure if it was something God intended for me, something that would fill my life with happiness rather than devoid it of all meaning. Running can do that to you, if you lose perspective. It can drive you into the ground and leave you gasping for a way out, frantically searching for a door that leads away from calamity and to a place of peace. I have felt this all-consuming feeling of utter abandonment many a time, and I was left searching my heart for an answer. I was left in a panic, in a state of total confusion and utter heartbreak. I had myself convinced, while I dodged dad's and their screaming children in the pool today, trying to nurse my aching foot back to running health, that I would give up, that I would move on, that I would try something new and leave team training and competetive racing in the bag. I was convinced, 100% sure and relieved that after this week, I would be done. I was tired of feeling so hopeless, of feeling utterly exhausted and totally spent. I was tired of feeling slow, of coming in last and feeling as if my legs were made of stone. I was tired of feelings less than worthy, of feeling like no one wanted me around, of feeling alone admist a bustling world of joyful individuals. I couldn't take it, and despite countless conversations with loved ones encouraging me to never give up, I was ready to leave it all behind for better times and happy feelings. I wanted a way out, a place to be free from the stress and hopelessness that was controlling my life. I was convinced, and no one was going to change my mind. Not a soul.
And that was when my mind was changed. As long as it took, and as long as I wrestled with my soul in such a heart-wrenching manner, it was changed in a blink of an eye. I prayed so hard for an answer, so fervently and with such sincerity that I thought my answer would be clear, as clear as day. So when it took me days of soul searching to decide I wouldn't run, the clarity of my actual answer was heightened evern more so. It was like lightbulb, slowly but surely flickering on. It is still slightly dim, not as bright as noon-day just yet, but it is very much there. My burdens were eased, and my soul was comforted. Our nightly devotional of hope and reliance on the Lord helped me see the light. I was reminded tonight that the best things take time, that the best things are never easy. I was remined that the best things take patience, and not just a day or two, but long-term, makes-you-want-to-cry patience. The kind that leaves you with total gratitude once it's really over. Just as I had been crying that I would never fit in, that I would never feel welcome, tonight I feel more at home than ever. Just as I had been so worried that I would never be good enough, tonight I feel whole. I feel capable. I feel empowered. I feel gratitude spilling over into desire. The desire to push myself, the desire to be my best, the desire to take a step into the unknown and do something a little crazy. Something a little crazy, like running in a place where people fly, like running with people who make me feel like molasses in December. I'd say it's crazy, but what's even crazier, is that I'm confident...I'm at peace. I'm actually happy. As unprepared as I know I am, I feel like I can actually do this crazy thing...and hey, maybe even excel. It took 34 girls coming together as one, expressing their heartfelt feelings of inadequecy to show me that I am never alone. Sometimes our prayers are answered through other people, like the girl who took the time to listen to my heart. So if you ever feel like your prayers aren't being answered, look around at all the angels that surround you. They are everywhere, all you have to do is look.
So, if this couldn't get any more confusing...I will end with a thought that sums up my entire day...a thought that I randomly and accidentally was reminded of today. A thought that gives me hope, that gives me reassurance, a thought that helps me keep an eternal perspective when times get to hard to stand.
"You have not failed until you quit trying."
love, emily
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