Today was the day...

March 13th.

That's today. The day I had looked forward to with all my heart and soul.

March 13th, the day I was supposed to enter the MTC in Provo, Utah to serve as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

I've been pondering how I would write this post for a few weeks. I could have published it weeks ago, but I deliberately waited until this day. To measure how I felt. To see if the decision I made was still the right one. But as I look back, I realize that I knew all along, I just wouldn't and couldn't accept it.

I know this is all very confusing, so I'll just say it outright:

I have decided, with much guidance from my Heavenly Father, that I will not be serving a full-time mission come June 5th. 

It breaks my heart to write that, but I say it with full confidence that this decision is right for me. Sure, I could go serve, but in the back of my heart I just can't shake the feeling--the feeling that I've had since the moment I pulled my envelope from the mailbox--that the Lord has a work for me to do here, not in McAllen, Texas.

This decision was not made out of fear, or out of laziness, or in haste. I have prayed and fasted about this, as I know others have with me, for guidance. And He never told me outright, but He did give me the Spirit to guide me, a heart to feel, a brain to think, and my agency to choose. And, over the course of the past month and half, I have found that I need to stay here, at BYU. He has a work for me here, and the things that I am currently doing here will affect all of my future goals. By staying, I'm preparing to go forth and serve. My education is very important to me, and will be the basis that will allow me to serve in the future. I know that I need to stay in Provo right now, and I need to continue my education.

And I know some of you are thinking, "Well, a mission will prepare you. A mission is a good thing. A mission is only 18 months. You can get your education afterwards..."

Sure, but the REAL driving force behind me not going is because of feelings I have received from God. Feelings that tell me I need to stay. I don't expect everyone to understand, but that's okay. I don't completely understand the why, but that's why it's called faith. Sometimes you have to act without fully understanding the why, but having confidence in God and His plan.

I believe in personal, continuing revelation from God. I believe in direct communication with Him through the Holy Spirit, through the scriptures, and through prayer. I know that He loves me individually and perfectly, and because of that He wants me to know of His will and presence in my life. And, I have come to understand that sometimes He sends us down one path, not so that we can reach the end, but because He needs us to take that original path so He can lead us down a new one.

I love the Lord with all my heart, and I want to serve Him all the days of my life. I want to grow into the daughter that He knows I can become. I want to dedicate my life to His service and the service of His children. I have learned and grown SOO SOO much because of the experiences I have had in the past 6 or so months. It has been the greatest time of growth in my life, and I can never express how grateful I am for the things that I have experienced. Above all, I have come to understand how truly aware Heavenly Father is  of each and every one of us, of our situations, of our experiences, of our feelings and thoughts and desires. He is so very aware, more aware and involved in our lives than I think most people realize. And, as our Father, He loves us completely and perfectly! I have come to understand this for myself. I have never felt closer to Him than I have in the past 6 months, and I will treasure my experiences and lessons learned. This whole experience has truly changed my life. 

But above all, the biggest lesson I learned was to completely and fully accept His will, at all times and in all things. He knows what is best, and will lead us along if we will but let Him. I can trust Him completely and fully, and as I seek to do His will, I will be blessed and become better able to serve His children.

This decision was the hardest decision I have ever had to make! I was so afraid to tell people because I was afraid of their judgement. But, as time goes on and I feel more and more confident of my decision, it doesn't seem to matter what anyone else thinks. I was afraid that I would be a "second-class" member for not going...but as time goes on I realize how silly that thought is. I have learned so very much, more than I could ever write here. I am so grateful for the experiences I have had, all the good and all the bad. My life has been changed forever, and I will be forever grateful for that!

And, to any girls out there who feel this same way....please know that you will not be a "second-class" member for not serving. I struggled with this for a while, but take it from me, you are not "second-class" just because so many others are going to serve missions. The Lord has work to do everywhere, every single day.  And He loves you :-)